Huah!!!

 Huaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!

Itu lah yang sekarang sedang gw rasakan dalam jiwa dan raga gw saat ini, but on the outside I wear this fake innocent smile, almost professionally. Kalau gw telaah sih penyebabnya karna kerjaan ya, meskipun bukan kayak gw gak suka sama kerjaan sebagai dokter gigi ini oh God knows how much I loveeee my job (semenjak stay di klinik yang sekarang sih hehe), tapi kayak... capekkk wuoyyyy. Kerja dg posisi yang sering gak ergonomik, punggung sakit, leher kaku, mata perih ngeliat cimit-cimit kecil di mulut dan constantly dipaksa konstraksi mulu mata gw :"(. Tapi ya, "oneng"-nya seorang gw adalah tetep aja tuh segala job jaga shift pagi siang s'mua diambil, disabet. Mungkin ini kali yang disebut high functioning stress, in which you wake up tired but you smile (di hari gajian kali ye mksdnya).

Kadang bingung mau cerita ke siapa atau ke platform mana sampai akhirnya terdampar di sini yang gw yakin ga pernah diketemukan siapapun di dunia ini. Nonetheless, tetep seneng banget ada Z yang temenin terus sampai gw nggak pernah merasa kesepian, padahal dengan posisi gw nge-kos sekarang dengan kehidupan mostly kos-klinik-kos dan dengan nature pekerjaan yang menurut gw minim kehidupan sosial, it felt only natural that I would easily feel lonely, tapi kenyataan nggak. Makasih ya Z, kamu manusia yang baik dan sabar banget. Tuhan berkati selalu balas kebaikan kamu berlimpah-limpah amin. Tapi..... kadang ada hal-hal yang susah gw lontarkan, ke Z sekalipun. Atau simply gw merasa nggak enak aja ngeluh melulu :'{.

Sebenarnya gw merasa bangga banget dengan the state I'm in right now. Dengan pekerjaan yang menurut gw sangat fulfilling terutama dari segi penghasilan. Jujur, gw nggak pernah kepikiran di umur ini bisa menabung di angka yang lumayan besar (menurut gw). Tapi itu semua memang gw lakukan penuh perjuangan. Nyetir sampai daerah sawangan, grand wisata, bekasi galaxy, bahkan bogor pun gw jabanin! Di satu sisi gw bangga sih bisa kuat menghadapi itu semua, tapi capekkkkkkkk huaaahhhh!!! Sepertinya emang butuh liburan ASAP. Untungnya akhirnya gw ikhlas ngeluarin duit buat ambil trip di bulan Oktober nanti. Puji Tuhan juga ada rejeki bisa ajak Mama trip bareng ke tempat yang kami sama sekali belum pernah kunjungi.

Jadi intinya apa? Nggak tau. Gw cuma pengen ngeluh capek. Badan gw capek. Pala gw sakit. Mata gw perih. Leher gw kaku. Tapi kalau gak kerja bakal lebih capek lagi. HuFfFf. Baiklah. Semangat semua orang-orang tersayangku semua. Semoga capek kalian pulih dan kalian tetap kuat meskipun kalian gak pernah kedengeran ngeluh. I love you all, my prayers are with you always.

A bit more..

Growing up I always heard the saying

"Victory comes only after further struggle."

And only now do I understand the true meaning of it.
Sometimes when you feel you have reached an impasse,
when you think there is no hope left,
if you struggle on a bit more,
and a bit more,
you'll see a glimmer of success.
I promise.

山楂树之恋

Burning

My whole life I have only ever read two of Murakami's work that is Norwegian Wood and The Elephant Vanishes. The first time reading Barn Burning (The Elephant Vanishes) I wouldn't have thought it would be possible to adapt the short story onto big screen, until "Burning" arrived and was so captivating that it paved its way to Oscar 2019's shortlist.

Based on Murakami's work, it came as no surprise that the story is tangled with puzzle of uncertain structures, hidden messages, and ambiguity. A kind of film where nothing happen, yet, there's a palpable menace brimming at the same time. It is best to not take every dialogue literally as they might represent clues to reveal the final mystery. I know how frustrating it is to read a review of something so vague, but even at its most abstract, i couldn't help myself to look away. There's soemthing about the way the details are constructed and how it eventually unfolds from little sparks into an all out flame, that makes the film explosive climax so, for lack of a better word, rewarding!!

Its mesmerizing script surely won't work without the magnetic performance from the three leads, although many other chacarters appear for single scenes, as if they appear for no reason other than to support the characters. Some also feel the stories the characters tell are far too blurry that it became unclear if they are real or just a figment of the imagination. Whatever that is with the 3 incredible leads (Yoo Ah-in doe eyes, tho!), poetic methapors (koreans..), and hypnotizing imagery, BURNING SUCCESSFULLY HOOKS ME IN AND REFUSES TO LET GO. . . . . I love it when a film gave me the aftermath feeling even after weeks of watching it. All in all with all the pluses and (next to nothing) minuses, what everyone can agree on is that it's a masterpiece and IT'S LIT!!!(pun very superly intended)

Oh! one more thing I THINK is important to apprehend about this film is that it wasn't trying to sell bombastic full-of-plot-twist story or never-ending suspense and tension. It was only trying to bring you to feel the loneliness, to understand especially how toxic and fragile male insecurities can be, and above all the jealousy the poor main lead feel towards a mysterious heartless rich guy who snatches every possible good thing from his life.

Go go see it! Although it is clear that this one is not for 'everyone' but I really hope you like it!

This rubbish world labels me the minute I leave home.

You know how hard it is to remove even one of those labels?

You had to be cowardly at least 1,000 times,

and get rid of your pride 10,000 times.

Still then, you're not even sure whether that will be enough or not.

But then again, the show must go on and nothing is ever promised.

You have to keep going, hold your head high

For the people you care about and most importantly for you.

The First Time

People who like each other end up meeting each other.
No matter how far apart they are, they return in the end.

Love is something that returns.

Whoever you are, please grow well, be healthy, and be happy.
We may have crossed paths somewhere at some point and still clueless of what we were missing,
but I'll meet you. Hopefully soon.

If, indeed, we have crossed paths, this is for our first time.
Wherever you are, hang in there, you'll do just fine :)


Until we meet again...

Don't Worry

My dear, don't worry about anything

Let's just sing together

My dear, all of your painful memories

Bury them deep in your heart

The past is in the past

That's how it is always going to be

Sing for those who left you

Say you loved them with no regrets

You suffered so many hardships

You lost what it meant to be free

Let out all the hardships you went through

Let yourself go from the blame

Just let the past be the past

It's meaningful in that way

Let's all sing together

Say you dreamed with no regrets

Say you'll dream new dreams.

Avoir la foi, to have faith

Every life is touched by God at least once.
Just as you're drifting away from the world,
if someone nudge you back in the right direction,
that would be the work of God.